oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
Burnt myself on soup.. consencus go back to hospl. they will lov me. twins in one nigh. still hve band on. fuck
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Randomize
