We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
how do do this?
do what? Keep standing? Choose between 2 guys?
keep making boys cry?
Randomize
