you didnt say anything until i brought it up today. i guess i misjudged your maturity.
I guess I misjudged your gender.
I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
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