they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
Randomize
