Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
I'm getting very good at recycling my hook ups. So even though i'm having more sex... I'm the same amount of slutty.
Yes! I like to call that picking from the buffet!
They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
Randomize
