after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
Randomize
