i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
Randomize
