only if we run a train.
done.
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
Don't EVER smell your tampon
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
I hope that will b the last time i take off my pants in the chemistry building.
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
