last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
Spent the last thirty minutes staring at the wall with Leah. It's definitly moving
Keep in mind that he's 43, unemployed and living with his parents. There's really not much we could do to make his life worse.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Randomize
