Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
I'm bringing poparts in case anyone gets hungry. The trek to frat row is strenuous.
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
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