Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
I Think it is all interconnected. Emma caused most of the nakedness
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
Randomize
