Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
check off brunette on the list of girls tht hit me with there cars and then fucked me later
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
Probably not well advised, but you're welcome to stop by if your not ready to end your night. You know, for Thanksgiving's sake.
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
Randomize
