I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
I'm venturing to your corner of this sin house in t minus 2 minutes.
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
Randomize
