Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
Who were the five players on the alien team from space jam?
you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
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