I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
doesn't he have a GF?
that just means you have to try harder.
i didn't have to try TOO hard, just told him i didn't want to know his name or...
No. I still stand by my previous statement that nachos and tequila is the breakfast of champions.
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
i think i just naturally attract stoners
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
Randomize
