THE most awkward situation I have EVER been in
Also, I just threw up a little in my mouth and had to act like everything was totally fine.
sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
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