Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
Randomize
