i am sorry to ask, but i need y0ur honest opinion . when i turn sideways to someone, does my nose stick out like a beak ?
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
