oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
sometimes I think that if I just met him. he would have a crazy realization and fall madly in love with me. what do you say? I'm not just another fan.
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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