im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize
