Yeah I gave the girl a dirty look. And only a three dollar tip.
I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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