Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
I want to come over to your house, give you money for liquor, fuck you, and then kick it untill I have to go home. Was that blatent enough for you?
Boobs. All I remember is boobs.
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Randomize
