kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
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