I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
He played a tape of his mad rapping skills after the final...his rapper name was Mad Stylz and he rapped about all the pussy he got in the 90's. I love Sociology.
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
Doubtful. That seems irresponsible. The 4th will kill you if you stopped drinking until then. Let's think logically.
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
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