It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
