Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
It's shark week go big or go home
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
Randomize
