Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Randomize
