My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
Randomize
