Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
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