How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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