Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
He gave Paula abdoul a run for her crazy
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
oh i see... well this is a positive first step in you courting him for sex.
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
If your talking about a poncho I WANT ONE
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
Randomize
