I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
