Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
this ms. usa coverage has sucessfully humbled every girl here. depressed fish in a leaky barrel. go!
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
Thank you for FINALLY joining the Slutasorus Rex club in this conversation.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
