Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
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