I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
Randomize
