hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
Randomize
