You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
Don't tell me you're on acid again
Randomize
