How many times do you have to sleep with a guy before you get him to kiss you???
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
I haven't been this sober since birth.
i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize
