It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
Randomize
