im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
What should i be more turned off about... his massive collection of condoms or that he asked me to sign my name by number 68 on the list posted on his wall?
I think the two go hand in hand.
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
Randomize
