That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
Don't EVER smell your tampon
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
Drunk
Deyhxbr
Fucaerrrrr
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
Randomize