don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
That would make regret #10
He was more like the original regret
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Randomize
