I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
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