The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
He is asleep with his dick hanging out of my my little pony pajamas. I am required to wake this man up by blowjob
Your sexual fantasies often terrify me but get a pic
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
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