at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
you're the only girl i know who can be too sick to walk to the kitchen and still have enough game to receive multiple orgasms
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
Randomize
