Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
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