Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
I don't know what part of vegas I'm in but its definately the wrong part
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
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