oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
