dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
She fuckin peed on me
Stay golden ponyboy
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
We need a shit load of segways right now
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
Randomize
