i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
Randomize
