Apparently you make a good broom.
I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
If a girl is wearing Ed Hardy from head to toe, does that make her a douchebagette?
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
this is the last time we take the mathletes drinking.
Yeah I'm gunna date him. I figure its regular sex and maybe feelings will come in time...it worked for arranged marriages...
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
Randomize
